Episode 19: Judging Kids Differently

Do Parents Judge Their Kids Differently?

Have you ever wondered if you’re being fair in how you judge your kids? Have you caught yourself holding one child to a different standard than another and questioned it? In this episode of Message for My Kids, the host explains to his kids why he judges them differently.

The truth is, parenting isn’t a one-size-fits-all, and treating children exactly the same isn’t always the best approach.

Knowing your Kid’s Strengths and Struggles

Every child has their own unique personality, strengths, and downfalls. Yes, downfalls. Some kids are naturally responsible, while others might need reminders. One might get good grades in school, but struggle with social situations. Parents often adjust their expectations and discipline styles based on these differences. This is not done out of favoritism, but because every child should have a unique approach to grow.

Holding Kids Accountable While Knowing Their Differences

Children are going to make mistakes, it’s part of growing up. While the consequences should be fair, they don’t always have to be the same. How many times has your child made a certain mistake, compared to their siblings who made that same mistake multiple times already? The punishment probably won’t be equal. Recognizing children’s differences and maintaining fairness helps them learn responsibility in a way that makes sense for them.

Loving Them Equally, Parenting Them Individually

Despite kids being different, parents love their children equally. The way that love is expressed, however, might look different from a siblings point of view. Some kids are more dependent, while others thrive on independence. Some need more discipline, while others require more patience. Adjusting parenting styles is about giving each child what they need to become the best version of themselves.

Listen to the Full Episode

If you’ve ever questioned your own judgement on your kids and felt guilty about it, this discussion is for you. Tune in for a conversation about judging kids differently, with equal love.

Click the player above, or listen on your favorite podcast platform! Message for My Kids is on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeart radio, and more!

Or...Read Episode Transcript Below:

Welcome back to another episode of Message for My Kids. So today we are gonna talk about how I judge you kids differently. Yes. I know when I first say it, it actually sounds pretty bad.

You judge your kids differently? You judged us differently? Yes, the answer is yes. I judge you guys differently the same way as I look at your characteristics. They are different. One, you like certain raspberry chocolate, and the other one doesn't like raspberry chocolate. So just based off that and your different likes and your different characteristics, I have to judge you guys differently. I can't judge you the same. If I did that, then one person would literally be unhappy.

Okay, so how do I judge you guys differently? Let's break it down. Why? Start with the why. The reason why I judge you guys differently is because you learn differently. One good behavior of a reward is not going to work with another good behavior of another reward. For instance, we all know Angela likes electronics, and that girl just, you love electronics, Angela. And we all know that Maria likes knitting. Electronics ain't really her thing, but yet she likes to participate. Participation is her thing. We all know Celestino likes to play video games. Gaming is his thing. You stick a game in front of him, he would literally just watch it even if he's not playing because he likes that type of stuff. And for Cynthia, we know that she loves bedazzled things. If she could bedazzle anything and everything in the house, she would.

So how can I not judge you differently based off your own characteristics? So,if we gave electronics to Cynthia and then bedazzled to Angela, is that really gonna work even for rewards? No. Angela's gonna look at it and be like, "I don't want to bedazzle anything. What is this?" Cynthia's gonna be like, "Um... okay?" So it's all judged. It's all based off a judgment. Who likes what? Who does what?

And you can't, with you guys, you can't just, yes, you have similarities. They're called similarities because they're similar. For instance, you guys like watching movies, but I can clearly see you guys watch different types of movies. Angela likes that Freddie Prinze Jr. stuff, while Cynthia likes army movies, entertaining movies, Elvis, stuff like that. And then you have Maria liking the Army of the Dead. She also likes that one, oh, what's that one? I forgot what it's called—Army of Darkness. She also likes Army of Darkness, From Dusk Till Dawn, you know, a very inappropriate movie, but it's the action. It's the zombies, the vampires. That's what draws her to that stuff.

Talking about vampires, there's the new vampire movie I got you guys. Got you guys a new vampire movie. Surprise! We'll probably watch it already before you guys even hear this. I'm excited. I'm really excited. I don't even know how to pronounce it. I guess it's like Dracula's old type of stuff. So I'm excited. I know Maria is going to be excited about that.

How do I? When do I judge you guys? Literally every second that I get a chance to. That's how involved I am. Even when you guys leave, I go look at your room. I see who's done their bed. I see who was in a hurry, who was late, just based off your bed sometimes. I look at your bed, and then when you guys come home, I'll say, "How did everything go this morning?" And then you'll say, "Oh, we were late," or "Everything went good. Everything was smooth." So just by looking at your bed, I can kind of tell who was in a hurry and who was not, who took their time and who didn't. Usually, when you guys take your time, I know there's a question around the corner, something that you want to do. So it's all judged differently.

You guys are all different, and it's a good thing, but I love you all the same. I want you to really understand that, kids. I love you all the same. There is no difference. There is no difference between loving one and the other. You guys are all set at the same rate. You have my heart, its broken individually into even pieces, and you have it.

So the other day, one of your siblings came to me and they found it to be a little bit unfair because their sibling was getting, like, a free chance, a free pass, of bad behavior, bad actions, and in response I had said, "Yes, they are getting a free pass. They're getting a chance because you have to give, I have to give you guys chances. I can't just slap the ruler on the counter and be like, 'That's it. You're done for the rest of your life, for the rest of the week, for the rest—' You can't do that."

And chances came at different times and different angles. We all know in this house, we all know Angela's gotten a lot of chances for a lot of different things. She had the newest iPhone, the newest iPad at the time, and now there's like iPhone 16 Pro Max. But she had, like, the 14, 13 Pro. She had the new iPad and so on and so on, the Apple Watch. There were so many times that she mistreated those electronics. She was on them when she wasn't supposed to be, and so on and so on and so on.

So, okay, did I take the electronics away at the times? No. At those specific times, I did not because she was given chances, how to handle them. But she was spoken to. Said, "Okay, if it happens again, we're gonna have to limit the time." And then it happened again. "Okay, if it happens again, we're gonna have to place electronics in certain areas." "Okay, this ain't working. Let's think of different options." And we also got her involved in the options because you can't just go in electronics whenever you want. You can't just go in the middle of the night, wake up at 1 a.m. You have school in the morning, go on electronics. It doesn't work this way. It's not healthy.

So she's gotten chances like that. We all know Celestino's gotten chances as well. That device was supposed to be taken away, not doing chores correctly, not doing all the chores, still looking at TV and getting distracted, but he's been getting chances. They're stepping stones. And it's all normal and natural in a child's life. In a teenager, in a child growing up, they're not going to do everything to the tee.

So what do you do? Well, you judge them differently, and you give them more chances. And I knew for Cynthia that she would need chances. And she has been caught with energy drinks, and even though she's too young for energy drinks, not until you're 18, energy drinks, too much B12. She's already taken some vitamins, so too much vitamins is not a good thing, especially energy drinks. I mean, too much B12. We're talking energy drinks, probably about one every other day. And as far as I remember, I know that energy drinks, in my knowledge, create kidney stones.

So many of them over and over and over consuming. So was it her fault to consume those and get those and purchase those? Yes. Where is she purchasing it from? Well, obviously not around me, in her daily life of school. So, how do we monitor that? Well, we have to think back like, okay, where is she getting the money from? Where is she getting the cash from? How is she even getting it? She's been busted numerous times.

Okay, do we stick her on a no dessert or no candy and no soda at home because she's taking the chances to be drinking energy drinks? No, we don't do that. We talk to her. We look into it together, so it's not just my word that she's listening to. And we say, okay, obviously there has to be some consequences for this, but they're not going to be severe consequences. If it continues, she's going to limit her stuff at home, like soda, Mountain Dew, Pepsi. But as of now, how about on the weekends you can get snacks, you can get soda, but instead of soda, let's switch it to Kool-Aid, just because we need to gradually drink energy drinks and consume chocolate. Chocolate is not an every-other-day thing. Heard of cavities?

So that's why I judge you guys differently. What works for one doesn't work for the other. And I understand your concern when you came to me and said, why is so-and-so getting a freebie? Why are they not getting negative consequences? Why are they getting the consequences? The reason is because you guys need chances. You guys really do, and that's what you're given. You are given chances, and certain chances are required by certain, certain negative things that you guys do.

I mean, yes, by far, if you guys ended up taking a butter knife from home and took it to school, you guys are gonna face the maximum penalty on that. Definitely, that is a no-go. I don't care if it's for yogurt. I don't care if it's for butter, jelly. No, no, no, no. You guys are facing the maximum penalty. But if it's something where it seems big but it really isn't big, you guys need chances when you need chances. And right now, your sibling needed chances.

And it's not favoritism. It's not that I favor one over the other, because I don't believe in that. I believe that you guys have strengths in different categories. I won't completely say your guys' names, but one of you don't really communicate properly and you use slang words. But you literally have a mind that is so intelligent that you kinda have this gut feeling and know what to do. Like, you have actions that are literally back-to-back actions, that if something was happening in the blink of an eye, if there was a tornado, if there was flooding, you know what to do at those moments. You know what's important to grab, who's important to look for, who's where, what, when. Kinda like the fight-and-flight. But you have the one-second, "Holy crap, this is what we should do. This is what we need to do." So you are very intelligent in that. And out of all of you, it kind of seems like you're the only one that knows how to do that. Very good, very smart. But your grammar, your grammar's not.

And then there's another one of you that literally can type up a memo, and the communication in typing and writing is phenomenal, is great. Holy crap. Like, surprisingly, at a young age, you should be a teacher, the way you write. It's so crazy. But yet, on the other side of the fence, you don't really think of your decisions. Like, you just wing it. You're just like, boom. And that's your downfall.

So you guys have different characteristics, you really do. And there's another one of you that is so creative. You're so creative, but you can't listen to instructions. It's weird. The instructions, you hear it, you’ll say, "Okay," and you walk off, and you won't even know what to do. But yet your creativity is so far out there that it's amazing. You'll be like, "Well what if we did this, this, and this, and put it together? And we make this." And it’s like, "Oh Crap, where'd you think of this?" And it's so amazing, it’s so amazing.

So I can't judge you guys the same because your characteristics are different. But I don't favor you separately more than the other. That will never happen. I'm always there for you, no matter what. And I don't say no and say yes to the other. Even if I'm upset, that's something I cannot do as a person. Never have, and I never will. I mean, I gotta be careful because if you hear this one, you're gonna probably take advantage of it. But you can literally go and accidentally throw a remote control at the TV and it'll smack and break, and a day later you need shoes for your extracurricular class or something, and I would still go buy those shoes.

Of course, we'd look into them, the brand, and where’s the comfort, what size, and stuff like that. We still do the whole nine-yard steps before we purchase things, which is what I always do and I like doing. If you need a jacket, we get the size, the fit, the brand, winter, what type and mix, thickness. I always liked looking into things like that before purchasing for you guys to find what you guys really want and get what you guys want. But I would do that. I would still do that because I love you all the same.

But I hope when you hear this, I hope when you all four hear this at the time, it'll make sense to you. I hope it makes sense. Like, "I get it. That's why we got chances in different areas. That's why Mom and Dad would just figure out what to do." Because, guys, we love you the same. Small, big, no problem. It doesn't matter. At the same time, we got to hold you accountable. And that's where we judge you differently.

Love you, kids. Love you. Love you so much. You mean the world to me. And I haven't even brought up Alianna. That little girl, I don't know how a four-year-old thinks of all these things. Like, for instance, she'll come up to me and she'll be yawning, like she'll pretend to yawn, and she'll be like, and then she'll turn right at me, literally turn right at me and go, hah, like she's blowing her breath at me. Where does she get these things? Like I don't, it's like, I don't, it's, it's... And I can't judge her the same, I can't judge her the same way as I judge you guys. We all know that she likes different things. Alright guys, I love you. This is another message for my kids.